The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah Parody
by Ridicully L
Summary: The hopefully funny version of the story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. God is missing... Archangels Gabriel and Raphael are in a place where angels fear to tread... Dedicated to my friend Antonia. New chap by Antoinette Veronica!
1. The Destruction of Sodom

To Mr. Terry Pratchett and all discworld readers: sorry if this fic reminds you of something. I know I'm WAY too obsessed with discworld... 

I don't own the Bible (and all Bible characters whose names are mentioned in this fic), and although I don't know who does, I'm sure they would, upon seeing this fic, strenuously deny any relationship between the Bible and it.

I don't own Evelyne, my friend Antonia (aka Antoinette Veronica) does. 

This fic is dedicated to my friend Antonia, who loves angels and knows a great deal about them, and has read everything from Paradise Lost to Angel Sanctuary. Thank you for giving me so much inspiration and information on angelic entities to write, I would never have written all this crazy stuff without you (not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but, we'll see).

The Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah

It was another perfect day in Heaven. The seraphim were going on with another round of Hallelujah, hoping enthusiastically to improve the pitch or harmony, and the cherubim were singing Ave Maria in a loud, sincere voice that would have seriously embarrassed even the most devout churchgoer. Everywhere angels were looking angelic and the place was filled with the kind of laughter that would have been highly disturbing on earth. And Archangel Michael was trampling on a demon. It was a very important part of his job and therefore he had been rehearsing it all night. His duty was to vanquish the forces of evil, and, since demons were immortal, this had presented certain problems. Destroying them was equivalent to hitting dust bunnies under a bed: they may disappear for a while and come back in even choking amounts. So Michael had come up with a different approach. 

"Admit it, you slimy and detestable worm," He said coldly. "You have been beaten fairly."

"Not that I care…" Quavered the demon.

"Because," Michael took a deep breath and continued smugly. "1) I let you make the 1st move. 2) I did not sneak up on you while you were looking the other way. 3) I refrained from kicking, biting or clawing you in any of your undesirable parts. 4) I did not strike you while you were lying helpless, but waited for you to get up again. 5) I was outnumbered. 6) I did not resort to cheap tricks like saying 'Hey, look what's behind you!' and put an end to your worthless life while you look behind. 6) When you dropped your weapon, I handed you one, remember? So what have you got to say to that?"

"OK, you are right. Now finish me off…" Said the demon impatiently.

"You didn't even deserve to challenge me, you good-for nothing, incompetent creature." Affirmed Michael. "But I still took you on, do you wish to know why?"

"Can I die now?" Said the demon hopefully.

"It is my divine duty to deal with boring, stuck up losers like you." Answered Michael. "You are just a fringe of the broad expanse of my daily delegations, so for me victory is nothing to scream about. You didn't even give a very interesting fight. I was tempted to fight you with my hands tied, but that would be taking my responsibilities too lightly. So I was just compelled to treat you as an equal for a while." 

"Are you done? I'm still waiting for that blade." Agreed the demon pathetically.

"Do you know what I would like to do to you now?" Continued Michael relentlessly. " I could give you the uttermost torture that even Hell has not yet devised, but I won't do that, of course. 'Cause I am the good guy, so I will have to let you go generously. Not because I hope that you will thank me, of course. If I was not bounded by my principals of virtue you would be ground under my heel like the despicable filth you are. Actually, filth ranked higher than you. It's flatter, to start with…"

"Bu-u-u-t you are already grinding me…" Said the demon, hoping that he'd take the hint. Michael ignored him.

"In fact, you don't even deserve to have me standing on you. But I shouldn't look offended, of course, 'cause 'tis my duty and I'm not supposed to complain about such insignificant matters. Gosh, what am I going on about? Back to the first issue, worm. Now, even though you have not begged for mercy---"

"Well, I'm after mercy-killing, actually…" Started the demon.

"---I will still spare your life mercifully." Finish Michael politely. His voice could etch words in glass. "And I will let you walk away with dignity. You don't have any, I know. But there are rules on my side that I shouldn't be too hard on enemies---"

"I would love to try for hard---" Muttered the demon to itself mournfully.

"---And rules are rules. Now I shall forgive all your sins even though you didn't ask for it, because the Lord encourages it and you are just one of those undeserving, lucky individuals who happen to have a lot of them. I won't even expect you to be grateful---"

"For love of Heaven, I'd be most grateful if you could just put me out of my misery---" Begged the demon. 

"---And I will now let you leave peacefully and end this fight on a friendly note, because that's what good guys are supposed to do, not that I'm expectin' you to run back and beseech for redemption, mind."

He stepped off coolly. If there was a myth in Hell that good was equal to nice, Michael was prepared to dispel it. His new technique had worked like a miracle and even those demons who had been known to possess a limitless amount of self esteem stopped coming back to challenge him after the treatment. Except Satan the Adversary, he supposed. Contrary to Michael, who refrained from all dirty tricks during a duel, the Serpent used all of them and would even grovel on the ground and wave a white handkerchief when all else failed, as long as he had a chance to stab Michael's feet. If Michael wanted to trample his pride, Satan had proved that there was enough of it to drown Michael. 

Back on the ground, the demon scrambled up and unscrewed its head. It turned out to be one of Michael's subordinates, Evelyne, wearing a monster suit. 

"Um, commander?" Said Evelyne wretchedly, stretching her cramped parts. "That's enough practicing, I suppose?"

"No, let's do it one more time. I need to get it really right." Insisted Michael. 

Evelyne nodded expressionlessly. She had nothing to complain about, really. All the practicing had at least convinced her that she was extremely lucky to be an angel. At that moment, Michael heard a trumpet call outside. It sounded just like the trumpet call on Mt. Sinai, the trumpet call that summoned the armies of Heaven and the trumpet call that would be used during Apocalypse, but insiders could somehow tell the difference. "Stay here. God is calling me to go to him." Said Michael, and rushed out. 

Michael's summoner turned out to be Christ, not God. God seldom summoned anyone. If he wanted you to do something, you would do it, somehow, without even knowing about it. Michael had always felt that He was damned inconsiderate. Now, Christ was a totally different matter. There was a sense of duty and responsibility involved…

"Michael, as you know, Sodom and Gomorrah will be destroyed at sunrise." He said. There seemed to be a hint of anxiety in his voice. 

"Yes, Lord. That is Archangel Uriel's area of ministration, I believe, he's in charge of the heavenly fires."

"Well, we can't find him. He has vanished without a trace. No one has even seen him leave the place." Admitted Christ. 

"We can ask God for advice, I am sure." Said Michael confidently, completely in control of the situation.

"The trouble is, we can't find Him either." Said Christ with forced calmness.

'But," Michael made a vague wave with his hand. "God is everywhere, isn't He?"

"In that case, He is everywhere but here." Said Christ, a trifle testily. "The last thing we heard about was that He had a talk with Abraham in the morning, then He went to take a look at Sodom."

"Perhaps Archangel Gabriel and Archangel Raphael should know? They were helping Lot evacuate from Sodom last night."

"They haven't returned, for some reason." Said Christ. "I suspect that all these things have a connection with Sodom. Some kind of divine mystery, perhaps? So, Archangel Michael---"

"Yes, Lord?"

"I want you to go down there to find Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, and, if possible, God. The ethereal plane there is rather cluttered with demons, I'm afraid, so you should find your way around more easily in mortal form. You have 3 human hours till sunrise. If you can't find them, I'll send in a squad of destroying angels anyway."

"Understood, Lord!" Said Michael promptly. He suddenly paused in his tracks. "But Lord, I suppose you can tell me what God looks like first?" He said meekly.

************************************************************************

No one could remember what God looked like, not even Abraham, who saw God in the flesh. He could only recall, vaguely, someone whose face and movements he could not, for the Hell of it, quite remember. He could remember the angels, Gabriel and Raphael, quite well. They were apparently angels, as seen from the way they lurched around as if they thought that gravity should do the walking for them, and the way they went all over-excited when he offered them some food. 

What God did in the night was therefore known only to Himself. He walked around the city to see if it was indeed as wicked as His Son had told him, but felt nothing whatsoever. To Him, Good and Evil were just 2 teams of a game of which He was the referee. As for what the team names stood for, what each side believed in and why they hated each other so much, these were still mysteries to God. Fortunately, this did not prevent Christ from telling God what was the right thing to do (even though it often took a lot of explaining) and Christ, God reflected, was always right. So whatever God thought about Sodom, it would not change the fact that the city would be annihilated from the face of the earth a few hours later.

His, for want of a better word, Thoughts were interrupted by a dull, mechanical voice. It came from a lady of the street leaning against the wall. Sodomers were generally night people. Only burglars work during the day. "Wanna have a bit of fun with me tonight, lovie?" Her voice indicated that she had been repeating the sentence faithfully for a hundred times and had got rather used to being ignored. God, however, didn't ignore people. 

_Yes?_

The prostitute's mouth moved silently as if she was trying to recall the next phrase. She did it. "Meet me at the Green Parrot's at 2 a.m.." She said. "And I'll give you the time of your life. Free drinks for any extra people you bring along!"

God thought about it. No one had ever talked to Him like that before, so it was quite an experience. Plus, He never refused people. 

_Very well._ He said. After all, it was not as if anyone in Heaven particularly needed Him. They all had their own ideas of running the universe.

The woman gave Him a long, blank stare, and forgot about Him when she couldn't focus on His face.

But God did not forget about His appointment. For the mean time, He decided to spend the rest of the night touring Sodom. There was no need to tell His Son about this. He was bound to have some pretty funny opinions.

************************************************************************

The 2 main deities of Sodom, Satan and Belial, were sitting in a back alley, also clad in human form. It helped them to experience life in the city so that they could spot areas capable of improvement (from the point of view of evil) more conveniently. Although the back alleys were usually fully booked at this time of night for various activities like drug trafficking, clan wars and gang raping, they had nothing to worry about because they had bought some estates near the city square, and so was entitled to a private alley. 

They seemed to be comparing some notes, completely unaware of the fact that Sodom would be razed to the ground by daylight. The problem at hand was about a wrestling match due to take place at early morning. The match was between a worshipper of Satan and a worshipper of Belial. The 2 clans had been at feud for decades because the demons encouraged it. Nothing kindles faith as efficiently as bloody, pointless battles for religious supremacy, they claimed. 

"Now you're telling me," Said Satan. "That you promised this follower of yours that you'll let him win the match---"

"Well, he called on me," Protested Belial. "So naturally I promised him. That's what I'm for! Anyway, someone's got to win at a match."

"I know that," Said Satan irritably. "The fun thing is, my follower invoked me an hour ago to make me grant him supernatural powers so that he could come out on top, and I said yes."

"You can choose not to keep your promise." Suggested Belial.

"Then no-one will worship me!" Shrilled Satan.

"There can be a re-match." Said Belial.

"Let's just have them fight to the death." Said Satan. "By the way, what powers are you gonna give that fellow of yours?"

"Vampiric ones. Standard issue."

"Same with me. They should be pretty evenly matched. Case closed. Let's get there early and grab some decent seats."

************************************************************************

The archangels Gabriel and Raphael, having spent the whole night harrassing Lot and his family until they had left, were now standing at the city gates. "Phew!" Said Gabriel in relief. "Do'y think we have time left to pick up some souvenirs?" 

"Look behind you, Gabriel," Said Raphael nervously. They were once again surrounded by a mob. Many eyes gleamed in the darkness. "Do something or we'll be picking up a terminal case of syphilis."

Gabriel waved his hand impressively to strike them with blindness, but to his surprise, nothing happened. "Un-oh." He remarked. It was clearly an understatement.

"Do not be alarmed, pretty strangers." Slavered a voice. "I am the High Priest of Belial and I come with good intentions. When we tried to seize you this evening, the Lord Belial suddenly struck us with blindness, which surely meant that you were not to be sullied by us mortals. Now guards, get them gently in the name of Lord Belial."

"What do you mean?" Said a thin, angry voice. It came from the High Priest of Satan. "It was the Prince of Darkness who struck us blind! Clearly they are meant for Satan! Now move aside and let them go with us!"

A second later, there was general chaos in that area from which cries of 'Infidel!', 'Seize them! Seize them!' and 'Everyone stay where you are!' issued. Archangel Gabriel fought like a devil or, to be precise, an angel in a very embarrassing situation. Raphael was the only person in the throng who obeyed the order of staying exactly where he was, so it was natural that he got a knife in his shoulder that was meant to hit someone else, and promptly fainted. After another few seconds of scruffling and picking up injured fellow believers, the Priesthood of Satan departed with Gabriel while that of Belial departed with Raphael.

************************************************************************

It was 2 a.m. at the Green Parrot Tavern and God's date hadn't arrived yet. Although God never got angry, He was feeling a trifle dissatisfied. Not because He had to be kept waiting, but because He had been promised the time of His life and Sodom would be destroyed in an hour or so, even though He wasn't sure why. He could arrange time and space so that sunrise took longer, of course, but that would be not treating people and nature seriously. God hated doing that. He wondered why Heaven was always in such a hurry.

He snapped His fingers and instantly, Archangel Uriel appeared beside Him, blinking. For a moment the angel wondered if some quantum miscalculation of his had relocated him to the place. But Archangels didn't get to their rank by being stupid, and he took only a second to espy the Lord.

_I have an appointment with a mortal, Uriel. You will accompany me here._

"My pleasure, Lord." Gulped Uriel, looking around. "Lord, isn't Sodom supposed to be destroyed by---"

_Be quiet._

God had thought of the destroying angels, too, so He drained all the ethereal power in the city just to be on the safe side. At the moment the harlot drifted in, trailing the smell of bold perfume and alcohol. "Bad business tonight." She muttered to the barkeeper. "Everyone's gone to the match." 

"Some'un's waiting for ye, Jezebel." Said the barkeeper. 

The whore waltzed up to the Lord. She couldn't remember Him at all but that's not a good reason for throwing cash away. "Let's go upstairs and shake the floorboards, dearie." She chuckled. 

_No. My Son would go ballistic if I did that._

"He's not here, is he?" Said the woman, turning her head this way and that. "Besides, what are you after in this place? Women, men or non-humans?"

_All of them. But first, we can talk. Tell me what you think of this city._

"Oh, it's hard to make money in this place." Said the woman, a trifle disappointed. "This part of the city is actually very decent. Men can frequent women of my profession without feeling massively ashamed."

_That's good, isn't it?_

"Of course it is." Snapped the whore. "Elsewhere we're out-competed by men. Even the religious clans have declared that women shouldn't work as prostitutes. They say a proper woman should stay at home and get married to a fellow sister, that sorta thing. You know how it is. No one wants us nowadays, not even for sex. You're not a foreigner, by any chance?"

_I've always been here, but this is the first time for me to come here. _

She tried to make sense of it, but failed. "All right," She said suspiciously. "I've been doing all the talking so far. It's your turn to tell me about yourself. What's your name?"

_People call me God._

"OK." She rolled her eyes. Some people had strange tastes. Many of her customers called themselves "The Conqueror" or something like that. At least she now knew what she was dealing with. She said conversationally. "I worship a lot of them, you know. Which of them are you?"

_I am not well acquainted with your gods._ God admitted.

"Ah yes, forgot you're foreign." Said the harlot. "I wonder what it's like, being a God?" 

According to her experience, the men she had been dealing with would, after this question, scoop her upstairs and say 'I'll show ye'. This one, to her amazement, really tried to explain it to her very patiently. And she listened. 

************************************************************************

Archangel Gabriel was chained and shackled in one of Satan's temple's dungeons. They would have treated him more nicely, but he had already raised Cain in all of the guestrooms and quite a lot of people had been injured while trying to overpower him. Now he was lying on the ground looking very sick because he had overlooked the fact that there was something known as oxygen debt. He was told that he would be sacrificed to Satan during a match by being burned at the stake, so that Satan would smile on their side.

"I like a man with spirit." The Priest of Satan assured him. "Alas, you're just too good for this earth. I'm afraid we'll have to sacrifice you to the Prince of Darkness in the next hour or so. Doubtlessly he loves pretty faces like you."

"I'll change his mind in the next hour or so!" Panted Gabriel in rage. "I'm tellin' you, I've beaten the stuffing out of that worm for more times you---"

"Gag him." Instructed the High Priest. He had been sacrificing people all his life so he was not going to start being disturbed by this one. He had always found it better to ignore them. 

In the temple of Belial, Archangel Raphael was bleeding on some pillows, looking bored. During the past he had often marveled at the skin's ability to resist germs and other pathogens, but one thing he had not learned was that it had absolutely no resistance to 5 inches of cold steel. Before I come down here the next time, he reminded himself, I'll get a tetanus shot. He had asked the guards for some penicillin, and they had, after staring at him blankly for a while, given him some moldy bread, which was pretty close to the real thing, Raphael had to admit. 

"I'm sorry… you're saying?" He said to the man beside him politely. 

"You'll be sacrificed to Lord Belial at sunrise." Repeated the priest. "So that he would favor our side during the match."

"I'm sure he wouldn't, my good man." Said Raphael. "There must have been a mistake. Can I talk to him?"

"You'll have plenty of time later, I guarantee you." Winked the priest as he walked out of the room. "He likes men like you, as a rule."

"He does? I haven't heard about it." Said Raphael to himself gloomily. "I don't classify under men, either."

******************************************************  


  



	2. The Destruction of Sodom Complete

To Mr. Terry Pratchett and all discworld readers: sorry if this fic reminds you of something. I know I'm WAY too obsessed with discworld... 

I don't own the Bible (and all Bible characters whose names are mentioned in this fic), and although I don't know who does, I'm sure they would, upon seeing this fic, strenuously deny any relationship between the Bible and it.

I don't own Death (as in the tall, bony entity with a solid belief that black is fashion's last word), Mr. Pratchett does. And, if Death Himself has any objection to my portrayal of him in this fic, I would really appreciate it if He could come and have a word with me while He is off duty, and during the daytime, please.  


The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (2) 

Michael stood beside the city gate. Since everyone had gone to see the upcoming match, the place was relatively deserted. There was enough time for Michael to come to the conclusion of what had gone wrong. Christ had said that the ethereal plane there was cluttered with demons. Michael, however, could not feel the ethereal plane at all. It was as if some 6th or 7th sense had shut down temporarily. Keeping a distance from the city, he teleported himself to Abraham's place.

The event was never recorded because there were some things that an angel shouldn't do, and one of them was to wake up the whole house at 3 a.m.. His God missing and his comrades in peril had put Michael into a savage mood, and the sight of his face made Abraham wish he had been a better man in his life, or at least the previous one. 

"Mercy, o sir!" He squeaked. "We have been living our lives according to the instructions of the Most High God, we have given money to the poor and…"

"All right!" Snapped Michael. "I just need some firepower here."

A brisk search of the house yielded a total of 17 kitchen utensils, which would have looked pretty formidable to a newborn lamb. Michael took all of them amidst Sarah's tearful lamentations. "How am I supposed to make bread in the morning? And that one's for serving vegetables, I'm tellin' you!"

"Don't worry," Said Abraham, he wasn't sure if he should feel happy or not about the fact that Michael now carried all his knives. "He said he'd have them all returned by morning." 

Michael also asked for a tracker, and got a small, dubious looking dog that Noah must have picked up by mistake during the Great Flood. Having equipped himself as best as he could, he disappeared to the gates of Sodom again. 

The guards at the city gates first saw a small dog that looked like an overused mop (or an overused mop that looked dog shaped, there wasn't much difference anyway). When one of them tried to kick it, his leg sprouted a kitchen knife. He found himself looking into 2 eyes in the darkness, which glinted like that of a super predator that lived on T-rexes. "I wish to fight with you." Said a voice. It didn't sound upset or angry. Just… urgent. That was quite enough for the guard, who had heard tales about werewolves. He dropped into the pool of unconsciousness like a bag of bricks. 

"I forgot you were perishable." Said the voice, a trifle disappointed. The eyes turned to the second guard who was trying to remember his prayers to Beelzebub between clattering teeth. "I suppose you can do." Said Michael. "Come on, I badly need some practice."

3 seconds later, the guard found himself a great deal closer to ground level. The werewolf or fiend was standing quite uncertainly on him, saying mechanically, "Now, do you realize that you have been beaten by fair means?" 

Suddenly, something in the guard's confused mind straightened out. "Hey, that was awesome!" He breathed. "Can I worship you?" 

Michael sighed. This tactic, he decided, was rather wasted on the men of Sodom. He bopped the guard on the head with Sarah's rolling pin, and threw a towel to the dog. "Now help me find God and my friends, and I shall---" His brow wrinkled with the effort of thinking. "---Make thy descendents as numerous as the stars. You have my word."

Although it is true that animals can sense the angelic presence, the small, dumb brain of the dog could only register one fact: an excitable man was standing in front of him, carrying about his person a large number of knives. And it had better do what he said if it didn't want to wake up as a pair of fur gloves in the morning. Descendents were not one of its concern at the moment.

"Woof." It said, and sped off into the city.

************************************************************************

_Let me illustrate my point with this._ Said God, taking a 12-sided dice from the counter. _Throw it._ He commanded. The harlot did, and got a 3. 

_You see a 3. Yet I see all the numbers. Only humans see them as possibilities. I see them as facts. Only I've prevented all of them from facing up at the same time._

"I see." Said the harlot. "What purpose does it serve? Do you need to bring them upstairs with you?"

God was intrigued. It was the first time in His existence, or rather, in everything's existence, that someone was interested in how He worked. Most people were either busy telling Him what to do or waiting for Him to tell them what to do. 

He was, in fact, rather enjoying Himself. The only damper was Archangel Uriel, who had looked so stony-faced that not even the whores dared approach him, and had even, for the past 30 minutes, had the audacity to tell God to hurry up for 3 times. The inconvenience was easily removed by some small fluctuation in space that relocated a whole bottle of viperbite (the most alcoholic drink known to be in existence) into the region of Uriel's bloodstream. 

_Two forces that govern humanity are observing this die. I convince them that only the side facing them is important and the rest don't exist. That is part of what I do._

"Hmm." Said the whore reflectively. She was now convinced that her potential client was some kind of swindler with a totally new approach to cheating. "Do you win a lot?"

_No. No one is playing against me, anyway. They all like to believe that I'm not involved. The forces that watch the die like to think that they are the ones playing the game._

More like a behind-the-scenes accomplice, thought the whore to herself smugly.

_However, I can't let them have their own way all the time. One of the forces wants the outcome to be 1, while the other wants the outcome to be 12. If they can't have what they want, they get bloody furious with me._

"Make it land on 6, then." Suggested the whore, feeling herself on firm ground again when it came to double-crossing.

_Yet they are not the only ones watching the die. There are others, but they don't encounter each other because they are watching different sides of the die. So, whatever I do, someone gets bloody furious. However, this doesn't bother me at all. What I can't stand is sometimes someone tries to destroy the other sides of the die to make sure that only 1 side, and 1 outcome, exists._

"But how can a die be one-sided?"

_I suppose it is rather hard to picture._ Said God. _Perhaps I should call each side an extension of time? Take yourself as an example. Your life in this world is finite, but in worlds governed by slightly different forces, other you's exist. If you add the time of all of them together, the total amount of life you possess is infinite._

"Would I ever be able to meet them?"

_No. _

"No asking them for a bit o' cash either, I suppose." Said the whore acidly. "Are they decently well-off?"

_Some of them are._

"I've always thought that if I lived in a different world, I could perhaps become a queen."

_And what would you do, pray?_

"Dunno," Said the woman vaguely. "Make some rules so that people can worship whatever god they want without being burnt at the stake? Persuade people that it's good and normal for men and women to get married? And I can employ people to patrol the streets and beat up anyone who doesn't do what I say, of course."

_This is not a speculation, I guarantee you._ Said the Lord. He rose. _Thank you for your time._

"Where are you going?" Cried the harlot, as a clear image of winged money fluttered across her mind. 

_To see to the other you, of course. Many of this city's time extensions will be destroyed, and it's up to me to restore the number to infinity. You have already helped in constructing one of them._

"Crazy nut. I should have known…" Muttered the harlot as the Lord left. She was not the first one who said that on that morning, either. Since the Lord was absolutely fair, He had decided to interview everyone in Sodom on that same morning. He just had to space them out in many realities, or there would have been quite a lot of blasphemy in the same place.

************************************************************************

The City Square was bustling with people when Archangel Gabriel and Archangel Raphael were marched in by a sacrificial procession. "This is outrageous!" Shouted Gabriel to Raphael as some priests tied him to a stake expertly and heaped kindling around his feet. "They're going to burn me like a… a… " He was at a lost. "Anyway, they're going to burn me! I mean, God should have mentioned this in the prophecies, at least!"

"Can't sympathize with you, sorry!" Yelled Raphael as he was strapped to a piece of horizontal metal next to the stake by the Priests of Belial. "I'm going to be slowly roasted on a copper sheet as a bladed pendulum descends to slice me apart!"

"Ouch." Said Gabriel. He thought about it. "Which one hurts more?" 

"Tell you about it later, maybe…" The 2 suddenly fell silent as a black-cowled figure materialized between them. It held an hourglass in a skeletal hand. For a moment the 2 angels thought that their supernatural power must have returned, but it hadn't. On the other hand, people who were about to die could see the Grim Reaper regardless of their ethereal powers. 

HELLO, GABRIEL AND RAPHAEL. Said Death, in heavy tones that could bore holes in lead. I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD LEND ME AN HOURGLASS AT THE MOMENT, COULD YOU?

"No, sorry." Said Raphael. "What's wrong?"

Death waved his hourglass vaguely. The top bulb was empty. DON'T ASK ME. EVERYONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD NOW ACCORDING TO MINE. SOMETHING MUST HAVE SCREWED UP. DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE IT BACK TO THE SHOP?

"Good idea, old fellow." Said Raphael, nodding like a maniac. "I'm sure they'll do everything they can to give you a new one. See ya."

In the stands, Satan and Belial could hardly believe their eyes as the procession passed by. "Hey, they look like Gabriel and Raphael." Remarked Belial lamely.

"What can they be doing here?" Said Satan in wonder. "Angels haven't been here for ages. Surely they're not just saying hello in such a fashion?"

"Let's possess someone and ask them." Suggested Belial. There was instantly the kind of hollow pause that sounded exactly like the one when the bad guy found out that there weren't any bullets in his gun. "Bloody Hell, I'm out of power!" He wailed.

"Same here." Said Satan. "We must resume contact with our people if we want to find out what's the matter. Here," He offered Belial a knife. "Stab yourself." He suggested.

"Huh?"

"So that you can get in touch with everyone else, you idiot." 

"Well, I'm not going to do it. It's so messy!" Said Belial. "Why don't you do it?"

Satan sagged. "Easier said than done. So what alternative do we have?"

"Ask them about it?" Belial made a gesture towards Gabriel and Raphael.

You must be mad! There are hundreds of our people down there and we can't possess any of them." Said Satan. "But you're right. Let's get back to our base and draw up a precise plan."

10 minutes later, the demons returned to find that, to their relief, their priests still hadn't finished the invocations yet. They thanked themselves silently. "I say we rescue Raphael." Said Satan. "He wouldn't thrash about, for a start."

"I say we get Gabriel." Protested Belial. "You're just jealous of my sacrifice. Gabriel knows most of what's going on, at least. He's a sweet lamb as long as you are civil."

Satan glanced at the stake hurriedly. Gabriel was breathlessly insulting Satan and threatening everyone with the tortures of Hell, much to everyone's enjoyment. The demon decided that an alive, grateful Gabriel would be much better than an immortal, angry one who would accuse him in front of God in no time. "OK, let's get him, then. Meet you at the base."

A few seconds later, the plaza was filled with choking black smoke. The demons had granted the people of Sodom a great deal of infernal, forbidden knowledge, and one of them was the making of pepper spray. Belial sprayed the hysterical crowd with glee while Satan, wearing a glass visor, slashed a couple of his priests and cut the rope binding the angel. To his surprise, someone also pushed up to the altar where Raphael was bound and cut him loose. It was Michael. He had followed a convoluted path behind the dog that eventually led him to the plaza, chopping, dicing, slicing and scrambling anyone in his way with culinary efficiency. 

In the smoke, it was absolutely important that Michael should not mistake him as his obstacle. "Follow me!" Cried Satan in a way that he hoped was friendly, and danced out of the stinging smoke, followed by many dreadful cries as Michael tried to find his way around.

************************************************************************

A bunch of sorry-looking destroying angels were kneeling before God's throne. They were the same squad who would later be sent to sweep through Egypt, but it seemed that apart from a lack of I.Q. (they couldn't even tell Israelites from Egyptians, for a start), they had no sense of direction as well. 

"We couldn't find Sodom and Gomorrah." Admitted the head destroyer. "Um… I think we were at the right place, but they're just not there."

"They're pretty big." Described Christ. "And packed with people, just like… 2 big, obvious cities."

"Well, many demons couldn't find them, either." Said the second in chief. "They seemed to think we were responsible for vanishing everyone."

"Oh well," Said Christ. "Dude, where's the Lord when He's really needed?"

************************************************************************

"What, you're telling me that this city will be destroyed by sunrise?" Shrieked Satan. For the past 5 minutes, Michael had coldly told the demons what he knew while Gabriel and Raphael stood a safe distance behind, trying to look polite in Satan and Belial's house. 

"The important point is, God is missing." Repeated Michael.

"Not sure if that's good or bad news." Said Belial blankly. "This is hardly fair! We have worked on this city for centuries and now you're destroying it without even askin' us! That's cheap, I tell ye!"

"Shut up, Belial." Said Satan while stomping on his subordinate's foot absently. "God's whereabouts is clearly a matter of cosmological importance, and we shall have to join forces to find him. We still have some of our people scattered around the city. Stay here while we gather them all so that we can search this place together."

Michael exchanged a hurried glance with his colleagues. "As you wish." He said.

The demons left the room. "And keep your fingers off our stuff!" Snapped Belial as he slammed the guestroom door. "Now, boss, why did---"

"Damnation!" Cursed Satan under his breath. "The utter jerks! Losers! We must find God first and appeal to him. It is our only hope!"

"I see what you mean." Said Belial meaningfully. They reached the streets and came face to face with the Priest of Satan, the Priest of Belial, and a solid wall of guards. Satan grabbed the arm of his priest.

"Your Worship, you are after 2 men who has escaped from the arena, I gather?"

"What do you know about them?" The 2 priests drew near eagerly. 

"Well, they have just invaded my place! Please collect them and have them sacrificed as soon as possible. I'll lead the way." Said Belial. 

Unfortunately, when they opened the door of the guestroom ceremoniously, there was no one and nothing special inside apart from a Michael-shaped hole on the wall. The 2 demons were speechless.

"This won't do." Sniffed the Priest of Satan. "My slaves have spent the whole night chopping up wood for the pyre. We can't let all this fuel go to waste."

"Same with us." Sighed the Priest of Belial. "We can't keep that pendulum swinging in the air! It'll go rusted if we can't have some blood on it soon."

"If Prince Satan can't have that pretty stranger," Said the Priest of Satan, eyeing the horrified Satan up and down with a hungry gaze. "This lean, mean one will at least temper his wrath. He fits the shape of the stake nicely, don't you think?"

"Then I'll have this squat one." Nodded the Priest of Belial. A couple of guards grabbed hold of the unresisting Belial. "If his face can't please the Dark Lord, the amount of blood he has certainly will. You're not one of us, are you?"

"What do you mean?" Said Belial, horrified. "Of course I'm one of you! I've attended every mass! Actually, I'm The One!" His pleas were ignored as he was manhandled out of the room.

"I swear by the name of Satan that I am one of your most faithful followers!" Whimpered Satan to the unmoved Priest of Satan. "I know all the prayers by heart! Even back to front! (Not difficult, since I've invented all of them) Try me!"

"I never saw you at any of our gatherings." Accused the Priest of Satan. 

"Well, that didn't mean I wasn't there! On the contrary, I was usually noticed by everyone!" Protested Satan truthfully. He was also carried out by some dispassionate guards.

************************************************************************

Michael and Gabriel, heeding Raphael's advice to dress up as lepers, had the street all to themselves. They stumbled into a random tavern and, perhaps God thought that He owed them something, it was the right one, and Uriel was singing 'Hosanna in the Highest' at the top of his voice while dancing on the table spanking himself. He stumbled down when he saw the 3 icy angels. "Jeez!" He giggled, waving a bottle. "D'you know, there are pink nebulas all around you? By the way, have some of this stuff, it's capital!" 

Gabriel sighed. "Uriel, how can I say this nicely? You're drunk!"

Before Uriel could reply with the conventional 'No I'm not', Michael punched Uriel's face in disgust. It was a very impressive punch, because at that moment, the power came back on again and his fist went right through Uriel's flesh and hit his soul head-on. Uriel's spirit stood up as his body crumpled. "Whoops. What on earth have I been doing?" He wondered.

"Can't help you there, sorry." Said Michael perfunctorily. "Go back to heaven now and Armageddon this accursed place. Gabriel, can you take this dog and the other things back to Abraham? I can't think of a good explanation. Raphael, we go with Uriel."

A split second later, Uriel was shifting the balance between space, energy and matter to manifest boiling sulphur right over the atmosphere that would, as he deemed, annihilate the cities in a haze of choking sulphur dioxide. However, since his mind was still preoccupied with the question of what other embarrassing things he had done after he got stoned, he made a slight miscalculation that caused tons of lukewarm banana-flavored chocolate to pour down in a single torrent, instantly drowning every living thing within the cities. 

"Oops. My mistake." He blushed and peered down. The only person who had seen it seemed to be Lot's wife, so he turned her into a pillar of salt. 

"Well, we did tell her not to look back." Said Raphael matter-of-factly.

Uriel did his calculations again, and blew the cities straight into Hell with an impressive rain of sulfur that no one noticed, which was too bad.

************************************************************************

Thousands cheered as the 2 priests re-entered the arena and tied the reluctant sacrifices to their respective altars. "I'm afraid we'll have to be quick," Said the Priest of Satan to the Priest of Belial. "People're getting impatient. Let's just do a short offering speech."

"O Prince of Darkness, pray accept this humble sacrifice of ours---" Began the Priest of Satan faithfully, tossing a burning faggot onto the pyre.

"Humble?" Screeched Satan. "I'll make you eat your words, you silly mortal!"

"O Mighty Lord of Chaos," Invoked the Priest of Belial reverently. "Pray look upon us kindly as we deliver unto you this sacrifice---"

"It'll take quite a lot to make me look at your pasty face kindly, you bumbling old fool!" Shrieked Belial through a rictus of pain. His back was getting uncomfortably hot.

"Any interesting last words?" Said the Priest of Satan hopefully. "'My god, my god, why have you abandoned me?' is quite popular."

"I already know why: I asked for it." Replied Satan with dignity as the flames engulfed him. "I was quite happy to be abandoned, thank you."

"Or you could try 'My god, into your hands I place my spirit!'. It's always quite well received." Advised the Priest of Belial. 

"I would have said that if my hands were not tied up!" Screamed Belial. The blade was tearing his shirt into shreds.

"How about 'Forgive them, god, they don't know what they're doing.'?" Said the Priest of Satan. "I think it'll sound good on the records."

"I'll be blessed if I do!" Came the muffled reply from the blaze. "Though I must say you certainly don't know what you're doing!"

The people of Sodom noted with interest that the last words of one of them was 'I hope those angel fools find that blasted Uriel soon!' and that of the other was 'See ye in Hell!' They certainly weren't expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen, like earthquakes or darkened skies. But it did, and it came as a heavy shower of express-delivered tepid chocolate.

There was a shudder as the power ripped the every piece of brick and mortar of the city into the underworld, and hellish flames illuminated the sky. Everyone was suddenly staring at the sacrificial altars. 2 dark, dreadful shapes were tied there, their eyes burning like red coals. Rocks splintered and chains gave way with a tortured squeak as wings of night unfurled. 

"Your sacrifice is most graciously appreciated." Sneered Belial as he sat up.

Satan licked spectral chocolate off a claw. "Well, I've tried sacrificing myself, and it's no big deal. Can't see what's all the fuss about it in Heaven, really."

************************************************************************

Somewhere in another reality, Sodom was still thriving like a termite heap under Empress Jezebel's reign. And, although it didn't become the kind of model city St. John described in revelation, it was quite pleasant to live in and was the first of its kind to have proper laws, policemen and some kind of liberty. 

THE END

Author's note: Thanks for reading! If you enjoy this, I'll post more of my old stuff here in the future as soon as I've rendered them presentable. Au revoir!   


  


  



	3. What if

Disclaimer: I don't own God and his archangels 

What if…  
What if Archangel Uriel was forced to appear in the bar of Sodom as a female (-looking angel)? Written by my friend Antoinette Veronica, a fan of Uriel. 

The What-if scenario

God snapped His fingers and instantly, the whole tavern turned their heads as they peered into two amber-colored eyes, they beheld in amazement at the instant materialization of a tall, gorgeously dark and exotic woman, regally beautiful, wearing a big black lace veil, but the veil only partially hide her beautiful raven black hair, that rippled down her back to her knees. Everyone in the Tavern were amazed at the magic, though they think the 'genie' was wearing too much clothes, a big gold brocade mantle trailing on the floor and long sleeved tunic and dress, all made of elaborate brocade of colours like a sunrise. Which was very far away from a typical genie that wears only a layer of white muslin help together with spaghetti thin straps.  
Uriel did not know why she appeared here, but archangels are supposed to be the example of submission, she bowed, as whispers of 'is that a genie?' lurked in the tavern. As if the sudden materialization is not enough, Uriel stood out from the crowd because no ladies in that tavern covers her hair, which tells how indecent that place is. The veiled hair coupled with her exotic dark skin raised a few eyebrows.  
Uriel scanned the tavern looking worried, as she was searching for something.

_I have an appointment with a mortal, Uriel, you will accompany me here_

'My pleasure, Lord" a soft, demure and very womanly voice (which is absolutely an oddity in a tavern) said, "Lord, I thought you have something else in mind…"

_Be quiet_

Uriel gave another bow and stood docilely, but it was obvious she was NOT enjoying herself, indeed, she was even trying to act like she was a piece of furniture(Look at that genie, I wish I can have her to do all my housework, whispered one barman to another barman) She was scanning through that tavern, with knotted brows, ignoring all the whistles not just from the barman, but from the other women as well.

Uriel soon found herself surrounded by women who were trying to kiss her, she looked at them, impassive, having faith God will protect her. 

"It will be great if she takes that damn veil off." 

"Can I buy you, genie? I will give you all the treasures on Earth"

"She has a lovely voice."

Uriel only replied with signs of worry for her 3 friends, and gently fended off any hands belonging to women who were trying to touch her, which in effect is like a damp blanket to the tavern, her brows were so knotted and she was so unresponsive that everyone shot her finger gestures in indignation.

"An arrogant genie, eh?"

Uriel finally opened her mouth and asked the same question for the next half hour, "Lord, where are my other 3 friends? I thought you are asking me to come here and clean up after them! What had the 3 twerps done? Had they misunderstood anything and need me to take care of them? Are we going to look for them soon?"

God was starting to regard Uriel as a audacious damper, also, as He was, in fact, rather enjoying Himself, some women just have to be so boring! But this inconvenience can be easily removed by. removed by some small fluctuation in space that relocated a whole bottle of viperbite (the most alcoholic drink known to be in existence) into the region of Uriel's bloodstream, to the convenience of the rest of the people in the taven as well. 

…..  
The archangels were goggling at what greets them.   
The tavern looked like it was mixed with an exploded fabric shop.  
A big square of black lace, a tunic and a voluminous brocade mantle was lying on the floor. Which they could tell is Uriel's, for no woman will wear headcoverings in this sinful city.   
The veiless and mantleless and tunic-less, Uriel was dancing on the table stripped down to her corset with petticoats swinging under her skirt, luckily, her corset still covered a lot of her torso, she was singing on the top of her voice, the volume of her voice and frequency of her voice was suddenly increased by 100 times. Which sounded completely obscene and hideous. She was singing "Holy, Holy Holy, God Almighty." On the top of her lungs and the crowd was throwing coins at her.

Then Uriel spotted the 3 aghast angels and shrieked hideously, "HIIIIIIII-LOOK THERE THREE HONOURED GUESTS! There are nebulas around them! Lets give them the special! By the way, I am still feeling hot!"

Gabriel shouted while cursing himself silently he could not use his power, "Uriel, you are drunk! Come down!" 

Uriel could barely hear Gabriel. Raphael ran to the bar and asked for a bucket of water, the barman turned purposely deaf, as he enjoyed with some sadism the tall, dark woman who was somber faced and speaking with an annoyingly soft and demure voice getting pissed, despite Raphael's urgent pleading.

Uriel spun around on the table, kicking and dancing even madder, shining black tresses streamed behind her and she was about to untie the laces on her corset, Michael gave an all-silencing howl. He rushed on top of the table madly and punched Uriel in disgust in front of the stunned crowd.

"Get to your senses! Whore!"

It was a very impressive punch, because at that moment, the power came back on again and his fist went right through Uriel's flesh and hit her soul head-on. Uriel's spirit stood up as her body crumpled. "Whoops. What on earth have I been doing?"  
" You were about to strip off!" roared Michael.  
……….


End file.
